As if the explosion of pink and red hearts complimented with cavity-inducing sweets was not enough to indicate the approach of Cupid’s busiest day of the year, the radio has surrendered to repetitiously blaring love songs. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is Valentine’s Day (or, for those who refuse to acknowledge said holiday, Single’s Awareness Day)!
Whether you relish the sugary-sweet holiday and plan to spend the day engrossed in the throws of passion or despise the nauseating public displays of affection so much so that your day will be spent attempting to hold down your lunch, everyone can appreciate a hilariously sappy love song. Throughout time, crooners of every day and age have expressed the pains and passions coupled with love in the hopes of reaching super-stardom. Unfortunately, not all love songs are made equal, and some would be better off locked in a deep, dark dungeon, to never reach the ears of mankind again. Despite the atrocious nature of love songs across the globe, only a select few are eligible to receive the honor of being the worst of the worst. Without further adieu, I present to you the three worst love songs of all time.
“I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” by Meat Loaf.
This ‘90s hit song has recently been shoved back into the spotlight thanks to M&M’s comical Super Bowl commercial. Can we say mixed signals? Not only will this song confuse and concern your valentine, it may imply you will not settle for a simple kiss goodnight.
That I would do anything for love, and I’ll be there ‘til the final act
I would do anything for love, and I’ll take a vow and seal a pact
But I’ll never forgive myself if we don’t go all the way tonight
And I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
Oh I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that
“Muskrat Love” by Captain & Tennille.
Does this song choice even need justification? Even without listening to Captain & Tennille’s “Muskrat Love,” there is an obvious flaw in the topic choice. Unless you are absolutely enthralled with the love lives of muskrats, I suggest you avoid serenading your cutie with this quirky ballad.
Nibbling on bacon, chewin’ on cheese
Sammy says to Susie “Honey, would you please be my missus?”
And she says yes with her kisses
“(You’re) Having My Baby” by Paul Anka.
Nowhere else can you stumble upon such a convolutedly sexist song in which a man is so overwhelmingly happy that HIS woman is having HIS baby, especially since she apparently had no reason to keep it! Not only is this song overly courageous when is comes to possessiveness, it is incredibly corny.
That you’re having my baby
You’re the woman I love and I love what it’s doin’ to ya
Having my baby
You’re a woman in love and I love what’s goin’ through ya
Didn’t have to keep it
Wouldn’t put ya through it
You could have swept it from your life
But you wouldn’t do it
No you wouldn’t do it
There you have it—three of the absolute worst love songs of all time. So whether you are serenading your sweetheart or protesting the allowance of an entire day devoted to love, you now know which songs to avoid at all costs. You will thank me later.