2008 Woodie Awards
Student housing crisis solved by cryogenic freezing, shocking devices
Sloopy "Nutcracker" Ortega
Issue date: 4/4/08 Section: April Fool's Day
Next year's freshman will no longer have to deal with unreliable student housing or bothersome contracts issued by the Saint Louis University Department of Homelessness and Residence Afterlife-that's because they won't be living on campus.
In a groundbreaking measure announced today by SLU spokesman Ladue Bluberry, next year's freshmen will be freeze-dried and stored between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. in one of the many warehouse properties that the University owns and operates across the city.
"We're tired of students complaining about housing conditions," said Blueberry. "What's the difference of a mouse or two, here or there? Students should save their complaints for when we announce admissions for the class of 2013."
Snoozin' Finale, director of Homelessness and Residence Afterlife, indicated that, by next year, 81 percent of student financial aid would go toward room and board for incoming students.
In further steps to increase retention, Homelessness and Residence Afterlife will be implanting shocking devices into the scruffs of new students' necks for the purpose of tracking and discipline.
"We'll see if those little buggers try to transfer to Abetown or Notre Shame, now!" said Finale.
University Present Borence Beyondme, H.I., is said to have developed the idea for student shock collars and implants.
"I have two dogs and, as you may know, they are very well behaved," Beyondme said. "They've earned their own Banner I.D. numbers, as well as special golf cart rides and two walks per day from my attractive, freshman assistant. But students … they need a little more discipline."
Student shocking devices will be available for voluntary implant, beginning the second week of May.
"That's when we push through the decisions we know everybody will oppose, anyway," said Beyondme. "Just wait until finals week, and you're home free to force it down their throats."
Those who delay in receiving the shockers will receive mandatory implants upon return to SLU's campus in the fall.
In a groundbreaking measure announced today by SLU spokesman Ladue Bluberry, next year's freshmen will be freeze-dried and stored between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. in one of the many warehouse properties that the University owns and operates across the city.
"We're tired of students complaining about housing conditions," said Blueberry. "What's the difference of a mouse or two, here or there? Students should save their complaints for when we announce admissions for the class of 2013."
Snoozin' Finale, director of Homelessness and Residence Afterlife, indicated that, by next year, 81 percent of student financial aid would go toward room and board for incoming students.
In further steps to increase retention, Homelessness and Residence Afterlife will be implanting shocking devices into the scruffs of new students' necks for the purpose of tracking and discipline.
"We'll see if those little buggers try to transfer to Abetown or Notre Shame, now!" said Finale.
University Present Borence Beyondme, H.I., is said to have developed the idea for student shock collars and implants.
"I have two dogs and, as you may know, they are very well behaved," Beyondme said. "They've earned their own Banner I.D. numbers, as well as special golf cart rides and two walks per day from my attractive, freshman assistant. But students … they need a little more discipline."
Student shocking devices will be available for voluntary implant, beginning the second week of May.
"That's when we push through the decisions we know everybody will oppose, anyway," said Beyondme. "Just wait until finals week, and you're home free to force it down their throats."
Those who delay in receiving the shockers will receive mandatory implants upon return to SLU's campus in the fall.
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