2008 Woodie Awards
Smokers and non-smokers battle it out in dance
Iluv McChickens
Issue date: 4/4/08 Section: April Fool's Day
The debate about smoking on campus flared up on Wednesday, April 2, as smokers and non-smokers met in an explosion of name-calling and Whoop Ass can-opening that was ultimately settled by way of dance.
The dance-off began when smoke.free.slu president Carlton Camelneedy spat out some second-hand smoke statistics in song, similar to the 1992 Disney musical Newsies.
Camelneedy's harsh words were all the more enhanced by a surprising soprano voice. After a cigarette-snub mime, a sassy "no, no"-esque finger shake and several impressive barrel rolls, the moves really began.
A surprisingly large amount of bass and baritones comprised the smoker choir, who responded also in song to Camelneedy's wild dance moves and quick-fire stats.
A short-lived rendition of the famous Flashdance dance sequence was enacted with style by a group of smokers, who made a change to the bucket of water scene with every smoker's dream-a bucket full of smokes.
"Really, no one's denying that smoking automatically ups your cool points," said Doral Virginiaslim, gasping for air. "No, I can't dance or run for more than three minutes, but people really respond to the suave confidence. They're really impressed when I call my cigarettes 'squares.'"
A Stomp-like percussion section of smoker enthusiasts killed two birds with one stone, packing new packs and providing hot beats at the same time. Some coughed, some spit, coolness level building all the while, until even Camelneedy seemed attracted to the hypnotic group.
"I'm like an ashtray, I touch butts all day," Virginiaslim belted out, borrowing classic lyrics from St. Lunatic Murphy Lee and forming the word "blood" with her fingers, while also lighting up a new smoke.
Just as it seemed the smoker's suave and fresh appearance would garner the dance-off win, Camelneedy and her posse brought it.
"Peoplethatarenon-smokers raise me uuuup, so I can stand on mouuuntains," they poured out from the depths of their tar-free lungs, adapting Josh Groban's classic ballad-and bringing tears to even the hardest of hard asses.
It seemed that the smokers would retreat for good to kill themselves slowly-but awesomely and coolly-when Virginiaslim pulled out the big guns. And I don't mean Benson and Hedges 120s.
The smokers huddled together, lit up, and, in unison, turned around to face the non-smokers and their brave leader, Camelneedy.
"I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one's smoking a cig-a-RETTE!" they yelled in rejoice, flicking their flaming butts toward their adversaries.
Several non-smokers got nasty burns on their arms, and the smokers remained the coolest kids in town for at least one more day-one more day to influence young high school freshman that the best way to get friends-popular ones-is to pick up a smoke.
The dance-off began when smoke.free.slu president Carlton Camelneedy spat out some second-hand smoke statistics in song, similar to the 1992 Disney musical Newsies.
Camelneedy's harsh words were all the more enhanced by a surprising soprano voice. After a cigarette-snub mime, a sassy "no, no"-esque finger shake and several impressive barrel rolls, the moves really began.
A surprisingly large amount of bass and baritones comprised the smoker choir, who responded also in song to Camelneedy's wild dance moves and quick-fire stats.
A short-lived rendition of the famous Flashdance dance sequence was enacted with style by a group of smokers, who made a change to the bucket of water scene with every smoker's dream-a bucket full of smokes.
"Really, no one's denying that smoking automatically ups your cool points," said Doral Virginiaslim, gasping for air. "No, I can't dance or run for more than three minutes, but people really respond to the suave confidence. They're really impressed when I call my cigarettes 'squares.'"
A Stomp-like percussion section of smoker enthusiasts killed two birds with one stone, packing new packs and providing hot beats at the same time. Some coughed, some spit, coolness level building all the while, until even Camelneedy seemed attracted to the hypnotic group.
"I'm like an ashtray, I touch butts all day," Virginiaslim belted out, borrowing classic lyrics from St. Lunatic Murphy Lee and forming the word "blood" with her fingers, while also lighting up a new smoke.
Just as it seemed the smoker's suave and fresh appearance would garner the dance-off win, Camelneedy and her posse brought it.
"Peoplethatarenon-smokers raise me uuuup, so I can stand on mouuuntains," they poured out from the depths of their tar-free lungs, adapting Josh Groban's classic ballad-and bringing tears to even the hardest of hard asses.
It seemed that the smokers would retreat for good to kill themselves slowly-but awesomely and coolly-when Virginiaslim pulled out the big guns. And I don't mean Benson and Hedges 120s.
The smokers huddled together, lit up, and, in unison, turned around to face the non-smokers and their brave leader, Camelneedy.
"I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one's smoking a cig-a-RETTE!" they yelled in rejoice, flicking their flaming butts toward their adversaries.
Several non-smokers got nasty burns on their arms, and the smokers remained the coolest kids in town for at least one more day-one more day to influence young high school freshman that the best way to get friends-popular ones-is to pick up a smoke.
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