2008 Woodie Awards
President Beyondme fires self
Optimus Prime
Issue date: 4/4/08 Section: April Fool's Day
President Borance Beyondme, H.I., has overstepped his boundaries again-this time, however, concerning himself. Beyondme-or "LBJ," as his dawgs call him-fired himself on Thursday, April 3, citing gross mismanagement skills. The Saint Louis University president is under the jurisdiction of the Board of Trustees.
The University's statement on the matter, via University spokesman Jeff Poultry, is less than revealing: "Saint Louis University is a proud Jesuit institution, committed to upholding the Jesuit mission. Lawrence Beyondme, a Jesuit priest, is a Jesuit, and so the Jesuit mission and values will continue to be upheld. Jesuit."
When pressed about his personal feelings on Beyondme's firing, Poultry said, "I'm not paid to think; I'm paid to speak without speaking … But maybe [now] I'll be allowed to look the next University president in the eye."
In the last couple of years, Beyondme has come under fire for the firings of former Head Men's Basketball Coach Brad Sodapop and Athletic Director Cheryl Lovett, the hiring of Head Men's Basketball Coach Rick Scandalous and the dismissal of the Rev. Michael Dookie, S.J., the Rev. Bernard Hairy, S.J., and Former Associate Vice President Phil Tigers.
As part of his severance package, Beyondme will receive three free years of education at SLU, but he must not speak publicly about himself or stem cell research. Beyondme's office in DuBurger declined to comment and said that Beyondme himself is out of the country, though several University faculty members-who implored The University News to remain anonymous-claim to have seen the former president on a golf cart on West Pine Mall.
The search for Beyondme's replacement will begin today and will likely conclude in three to six months.
The University's statement on the matter, via University spokesman Jeff Poultry, is less than revealing: "Saint Louis University is a proud Jesuit institution, committed to upholding the Jesuit mission. Lawrence Beyondme, a Jesuit priest, is a Jesuit, and so the Jesuit mission and values will continue to be upheld. Jesuit."
When pressed about his personal feelings on Beyondme's firing, Poultry said, "I'm not paid to think; I'm paid to speak without speaking … But maybe [now] I'll be allowed to look the next University president in the eye."
In the last couple of years, Beyondme has come under fire for the firings of former Head Men's Basketball Coach Brad Sodapop and Athletic Director Cheryl Lovett, the hiring of Head Men's Basketball Coach Rick Scandalous and the dismissal of the Rev. Michael Dookie, S.J., the Rev. Bernard Hairy, S.J., and Former Associate Vice President Phil Tigers.
As part of his severance package, Beyondme will receive three free years of education at SLU, but he must not speak publicly about himself or stem cell research. Beyondme's office in DuBurger declined to comment and said that Beyondme himself is out of the country, though several University faculty members-who implored The University News to remain anonymous-claim to have seen the former president on a golf cart on West Pine Mall.
The search for Beyondme's replacement will begin today and will likely conclude in three to six months.
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