2008 Woodie Awards
Administrators seek mate for Billiken Bush
Hildegard McFancypants
Issue date: 4/4/08 Section: April Fool's Day
Spring has sprung for the Billiken Bush, a topiary version of Saint Louis University's mascot. After reading a recently published Washington University in Transylvania study concerning biodiversity, University administrators have decided to find a mate for the shrub, which was added to the endangered species list earlier this year.
"The Billiken Bush has been looking rather lonely lately," said Leif Barker, newly hired University groundskeeper. "We thought we'd cheer him up with a little foliage-covered friend."
Several potential partners have already been considered for the Bush, to date. The first was a brick Billiken named Commodore, which was intended to guard the entrance to the new Chaifetz Arena. The Bush rejected Commodore's advances.
"He refused to move," Barker said. "He just stood there, staring westward down Laclede Avenue."
Other selected mates include exotic thistles from the Missouri Botanical Gardens, a stray dog and a variety of nude statues located around the SLU campus. Though the Bush has yet to respond to proposed playmates, administrators still hold hope that a successful breeding may occur.
"I always see him staring at the backside of that statue of the Caduceus-woman behind Griesedieck Hall," said Steven Student, a seventh-year senior in the College of Arts and Crafts. "He's always winking at her, but she never turns around; I think she's playing hard to get."
Barker explained that administrators plan to harvest the Bush's offspring to sell for profit.
"I'm always looking for bold, entrepreneurial ventures into which I may sink endowment capital," explained SLU President Borence Beyondme, H.I. "After successful financial maneuvering through the 1990s tech bubble, this seems like the perfect way to make a little green."
"Billiken Buds," as the Bush's offspring have been named, will be marketed as an interactive alternative to "Chia Pets," popular in the latter half of the twentieth century. Unsold Buds will be donated to Terra Vegan, SLU's vegetarian restaurant.
The Bush, which mysteriously grew in front of the Busch Student Center in the fall of 2005, has become an attraction for tourists far and wide. As many as six people per year visit the University to see the Bush.
"The Billiken Bush has been looking rather lonely lately," said Leif Barker, newly hired University groundskeeper. "We thought we'd cheer him up with a little foliage-covered friend."
Several potential partners have already been considered for the Bush, to date. The first was a brick Billiken named Commodore, which was intended to guard the entrance to the new Chaifetz Arena. The Bush rejected Commodore's advances.
"He refused to move," Barker said. "He just stood there, staring westward down Laclede Avenue."
Other selected mates include exotic thistles from the Missouri Botanical Gardens, a stray dog and a variety of nude statues located around the SLU campus. Though the Bush has yet to respond to proposed playmates, administrators still hold hope that a successful breeding may occur.
"I always see him staring at the backside of that statue of the Caduceus-woman behind Griesedieck Hall," said Steven Student, a seventh-year senior in the College of Arts and Crafts. "He's always winking at her, but she never turns around; I think she's playing hard to get."
Barker explained that administrators plan to harvest the Bush's offspring to sell for profit.
"I'm always looking for bold, entrepreneurial ventures into which I may sink endowment capital," explained SLU President Borence Beyondme, H.I. "After successful financial maneuvering through the 1990s tech bubble, this seems like the perfect way to make a little green."
"Billiken Buds," as the Bush's offspring have been named, will be marketed as an interactive alternative to "Chia Pets," popular in the latter half of the twentieth century. Unsold Buds will be donated to Terra Vegan, SLU's vegetarian restaurant.
The Bush, which mysteriously grew in front of the Busch Student Center in the fall of 2005, has become an attraction for tourists far and wide. As many as six people per year visit the University to see the Bush.
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