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Nightmares from the newsroom

Midterms are around the corner, and the apocalypse predicted by the Mayans is just over the horizon. We at the UNews choose not to believe in either of these things, but that doesn’t mean that we’re unafraid. Quite the contrary! Here are the top 10 things terrifying us today:

Google. We certainly aren’t afraid that near-instantaneous digital access to almost all the collected knowledge of mankind will render print media obsolete. Of course not. That would be silly. We’re really just worried about the Internet megalith’s monopoly on access to information.

Sure, Google looks friendly, with its colorful letters and cute little doodles, but behind that interactive Flash façade lurks a mindless corporate monstrosity. We’ve got our eye on you, Google. Seriously, you’re open on our desktops.

Bacon shortage. This might happen. Need we say more? Hide your pigs, hide your slice.

Mosquitoes. Seriously, this is pretty scary: as of October, there have been nearly 4,000 reported cases of West Nile virus in the U.S. Skeeters were annoying enough before they carried deadly pathogens. And it’s just our luck to live by a campus with decorative pools of standing water every 10 feet.

Flying monkeys. A prequel to “The Wizard of Oz” is set for a spring 2013 release, and while we hope for the best, we fear the worst—the worst being hordes of sweater-wearing airborne apes. On second thought, we’ll take the mosquitoes instead, thank you.

Scientology videos. Rumor has it that Scientology centers show potential converts a video chock-full of subliminal messages that convince the viewer to join the church. As a Catholic institution, we prefer live-action displays of evangelism. This Scientology video rings of… well, “The Ring.”

Magnetic pole reversal. NASA maintains that this is a natural occurrence, and that fossils show us previous reversals had little or no effect on plant and animal life. Sure, but the dinosaurs didn’t have iPhones. Who knows what will happen if the poles flip? Besides, we’ll either have to start calling this place South America, or we’ll all have to buy new compasses—an orienteer’s nightmare.

NHL lockout. Hockey was just gaining steam after the last lockout lost lots of its fan base. By the time it comes out of cold storage this time, people might have forgotten the rules—heck, football and baseball people can barely remember their rules on a week-to-week basis. Sports slide into anarchy.

The Darkness. The Soulard haunted house is one of the most famous in America. And their website claims they have 75 live “monsters.” They must have a bigger budget than “The Walking Dead.” That also explains why it costs over 20 bucks a ticket… scary.

Winter is coming. With a summer this hot, who knows what horrors winter will wake upon the SLU campus? Expect a winter too mild to cancel class, but mean enough to make your commute miserable.

Bath salt zombies. So that’s what they meant by “Bed Bath & Beyond.”  Just kidding, the hallucinogenic drug isn’t actually sold at your local spa store, but beware of doped-up maniacs eager to get your brains into their aromatic maws anyway.

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